Your message is being delivered now.
My team is currently going to great lengths to ensure your message arrives intact.
Your message is about to be handed off to Igor, my calligraphy assistant, who will pick out one of the finest parchments on which he will soon transcribe your message with an Aurora 88 Black Satin Rose Gold Fountain Pen.
(A very expensive pen, trust me.)
Once finished, he will place it in an envelope, seal it with wax, and ride by horse to our carrier hawk handler to hand it off.
Yes, carrier hawks.
Pigeons are too slow as I want to receive your message with great haste!
The hawk will fly roughly 1,237.2 miles (or 1991.0804 kilometers) to my office, where it will land on a hand-crafted, custom gold alter adorned with jewels just outside my door.
Upon seeing this, I shall immediately inspect the contents of the letter (and Igor’s penmanship to ensure he isn’t slipping in his duties) and get in contact with you as soon as humanly possible.
Thank you for your patience.